TRANSLATORS NOTE AND INTRODUCTION
Dmitry Ivanovich Sigov was an obscure writer and I'm not able to turn up much about his life, including birth or death dates. He lived in Moscow from 1830 to 1832, serving as a clerk at the Department of Mining and after 1837 lived in the Urals, where he worked at the Verkh-Isetsk metallurgical plant.
In addition to "Journey to the Sun and the Planet Mercury" (1832), which was initially published anonymously, and "The Talk of Moscow Citizens about the Comet of 1832", (1832) Sigov also wrote "Mental Revolution, or a War between Romanticism and Classicism" (1831), "Fashionable Education" (1830), "Morning Star" (1831), an anthology of Sigov's verse and prose, "Village Beauty" (1832), and "Count Lyubsky, or Love and coquetry: A Russian Romance Novel" (1832). In 1837, Sigov's novel "Raskolniki" was banned by the St. Petersburg censors for its depiction of incest, debauchery and fanaticism.
Biela's comet appeared in 1832, and the world was predicted to end in 1836. This refers to the German-learned writer Johann Heinrich Jung, who wrote under the pseudonym Heinrich Stilling (1740-1817, pronounced in German fashion of "shtilling" and rendered this phonetic way in the Russian text), was the author of several novels and works of religious-mystical persuasion, which were very popular in Europe and Russia, and in certain circles of mystics was considered a prophet. His extensive commentary on the Revelation of John ("The Victorious Tale, or The Triumph of the Christian Faith") was published in St. Petersburg in 1815. Jung-Stilling believed that in 1836 the battle with the Antichrist would take place in Central Asia; these eschatological expectations were directly or indirectly reflected in many phenomena of the Russian culture of the 1830s.
The only mentions in English language media of Sigov I can find, seem to be in Kornelia Boczkowska's dissertation "Space exploration in 20th century American and Soviet literature and art", which has propagated its way to Wikipedia.
Translating this was an interesting process. Despite the fact that as of this writing, I have a 600+ day streak on Duolingo, I am very much a beginner at Russian, so much of this is a dictionary based translation. It should be closer and much more readable than a machine translation, but of course, will be no substitute for that of a native speaker. This version was translated from a 2016 reprint from Salamandra P.V.V., which very much helpfully modernized the spelling of the text. As several letters were removed from the Russian alphabet after the Soviet revolution, 19th century texts are prone to use of archaic spellings and vocabularies, further compounding translation difficulty. Despite these issues, this should be more than readable enough, especially for a ten minute discussion on a podcast. My notes, as well as in-text footnotes, are included as [square brackets] with my notes specifically referenced as "translators note", all other notes are in-text.
The PVV reissue can be found here:
http://epizodsspace.airbase.ru/bibl/fant/sigov/puteshesnvie/sigov-puteshestvie-2016.pdf
and some biographical information:
https://www.livelib.ru/author/701476/top-dmitrij-ivanovich-sigov
- Chrononauts translation office, June 21, 2020
JOURNEY TO THE SUN AND THE PLANET MERCURY AND ALL THE VISIBLE AND INVISIBLE WORLDS (1832)
by Dmitry Sigov
Oh God Almighty!
Give the wings of the Seraphim to mortal man
To fly to you, the immortal!
The thinking soul is a realm, in which the mortal passions are excited. It is that vast and perfect chaos, which is born from the one powerful phrase: "let there be! ...." Everything, that controls mortals, man's entire life, and all of his perfection on earth - is the spirit that originates from the soul. Man cannot see the soul, but he experiences it through an inner feeling, as an ideal that has no material composition, and no outer form. Everything material and non-material, everything visible and invisible is subordinate to this ideal - the soul. And so the soul is that highest and perfect existence for man, which consists of life, feelings and thoughts.
The first stage of spiritual perfection is life and feeling, and the second and highest, thought, develops in the imagination, and ripens in the mind.
Just as a spark from flint produces a fiery blaze, so a spark of thought, cast into the imagination, illuminates and makes that immaterial ideal world available to mortals, which through the Almighty is destined for the highest, perfect and eternal bliss for the soul, with which the main purpose of earthly existence is to receive this blessed infinite being.
And so, imagination in the realm of the mind is nothing else but the main organ of its earthly existence. With the help of this imagination, a person gifted with great spiritual qualities, is open to everything in the visible and invisible, material and non-material, present and future worlds.
My kind and respectable readers! My lovely and sweet readers! Forgive me, as I have philosophized too much with romantic thoughts, and, likewise, my imagination has been carried off into the realm of a fantasy world! Indeed, my whole journey should be nothing more than a romantic dream, than a fantastic thought, carried away on the light wings of imagination into the chaos of an invisible world. And so humbly, please listen! But let me say one more thing: everything, that I don't write here, will become my own, without any hijacking from the Schellings and the Stutzmanns, whose pluckings and plunderings have already made their way into some kind of "fraternity", which has become thoroughly ridiculous in its aesthetics, phil[Translators note: Trails off as "fil" (ie - the first part of the word "philosophy")]... and so on. I'll leave this fraternity in peace to scream about that in the deserts of Russian Literature, as if a thinking soul might be sick! (See "The Rumor" No. 22, from 1832)! I'll leave those new Russian philosophers in peace, according to whom: every being is formed by external elements; elements are formed by life, and life formed by distinctive growth! (See. Telescope No. 2, 1832, p. 172 and 173—) [Translator note: See note in Scene I of "The Talk of Moscow Citizens about the Comet of 1832" for information on Telescope and The Rumor]. That is, in other words: absurdity constitutes absurdity, and foolishness breeds foolishness! But what do absurdities and foolishness come from? Of course, from the stupidity of a thinking soul! ....
Sorry, my esteemed male and female readers! I'm talking again! Ay, ay! Because our dear Literature is so delightful that it cannot be described in detail in any satirical novel, nor in any funny comedy and,[Footnote: Ah, sorry! There seems to be something about it in the novel: Count Lyubsky, written by Mr. Sigov, and in Comedies: The Evening Party of the Scientists and Writers Amongst Each Other, written by Mr. Zagoskin and Golovin.] because it has so many absurdities, it is necessary to copy them over several hundred years in time, have to a few hundred Censors review them, and for several thousand printing houses print them. Аbout readers and buyers, not a word: there are millions of them.
And so this very minute I begin my most famous journey! It will begin with the first word after the last period following this remark.
Five o'clock in the morning, according to a Norton’s pocket-watch, which are made in London, repaired in Paris, trusted in Moscow, and are purchased for their material constitution and immaterial quality, at one hundred guineas, which, in Russian, or Russian money, would amount to more than two thousand five hundred rubles! This watch must be correct! And so I got up, as I said above - at five in the morning. The sun had already risen very high on the bluish horizon, which we call the sky, the environment of all the blessings for Earth! As soon as I got up, washed and dressed, my friend Krylyshkin came to me at that minute. From the first step of his entry into my office, I heard from his fiery ever-verbal lips: "I congratulate you, my first friend, on the first day of the first year, after an unprecedented expectation, doomsday, from which they thought that not only the world would be destroyed, but also the Moon, the Sun, everything visible and invisible, and they, fortunately, remain wholly intact!" After those long congratulations, which, as one should guess by their meaning, were uttered at the spur of the moment, I involuntarily yawned, and silently showed a chair to my friend. He settled down calmly, and I, in order not to give his senseless fantasies a great bolstering in the chaos of smalltalk, began the following conversation with him:
— You know, my friend, that I am going to travel this very minute!
— Where?
— To the sun! And the planet Mercury.
— To the sun! What do you mean by this?
— Namely, that I am going to the Sun in order to inspect all visible and invisible, known and unknown worlds, planets, comets and so on, and so on and so forth.
At my last words, my friend stood up and said something quietly; and then turning to me, he said:
— Goodbye, sir! ... I... sir...
Upon exiting the door, I heard that he loudly said: "He is completely crazy! ... and what a pity: he was my first friend!" That's what his quick departure meant! I cried out with pleasure and surprise. He took me for a madman! ...
Oh, excuse me still, most respected readers! I'm going, I'm going, and everything is in place! ... But such was and will be the whole mortal race! We love only to promise soon, and to fulfill - everyone knows who promises a lot - after all, it is very difficult! ...
Hey! Antoshka! come here! ... "Right away!" the hoarse voice behind the door answers me. The valet enters. But imagine my surprise: he was already pretty much drunk! ... Why did he get drunk early? And because of the date, according to the Russian proverb: “He who is happy with the holiday is drunk even before the mass!” And this morning was definitely a holiday! ....
I'm going, I'm going! .... this very minute! .... Yawned once? .... another yawn! .... What, what is it! Oh! How high! ... Yes, I’m approaching the Sun! ... Ah, how hot it is! ... Indeed, the greatest heat! ... And I, believing the words of one Russian Physicist, thought that the Sun is nothing but a dark globe that does not have any fiery matter, and all its of fiery power is received from electric, chemical, and magnetic particles located in the airy sphere! ... But the Russian Physicist deceived me! Now I won’t believe him! ... Let's look at the earth! What a lovely view! ... All the Empires, all the Tsardoms, all the Kingdoms, as its called, like on a platter, under your feet! ... What is this high tower? - Ah! This is St. Petersburg, Berlin, Paris, London, Beijing, and more and more observatories! ... But these flies crawling on them, who are these? These are the men the people call scientists! What are they doing? They're catching the tail of Mercury, which has not been seen through a telescope for a long time! ... And people, maybe from these same scientists, yesterday morning were screaming out in the air, that this Mercury would destroy the earth, that is, it would be doomsday! Oh people, people! How stupid you are! ... Well, can you believe it after that? ...
Wait! ... I arrived! ... Here in the Sun! Let me look around! ... Oh my god! What is it! ... It seems that here it is neither warm nor cold, but I’m all burnt up, for I have no hands, no legs, no head, no body! ... One soul, one thought, one imagination with me and in me! ... That's what it feels like to travel to the Sun!
I’m going for a walk in the solar world. Listen, esteemed readers, to what I observed there!
My sight first came across a river of fire, scorching everything, but not burning anything. It flows like the rivers on the earth, but perpendicular to the surface, that is, like a pillar or a fountain, from which the falling sparks make up the solar rays; The black spots visible in the sun by earthly astronomers are nothing other than solar cities, which are so numerous that they have no count, no geography, no statistics! These cities are populated for the most part by creatures that exist forever, of which the type, image, and form resembles the ideas of the smartest of philosophers, such as, for example, even me! [Footnote: If someone does not lie, and that in the solar worlds there should be inhabitants, then I ask you to take a look at the Herald of Europe, published in 1810, No 6, pages 116-126.] All creatures of the solar world, or solar people, feed on manna brought to them by fiery winged birds. This manna, the locals say, is so pleasant that if it was tasted by an earthly person with a material body composition, they would swallow, as they say, their own tongue! The main occupation of the solar inhabitants is that they do not do anything! This is due to the fact that they, having no real days and nights, which we see on earth, venerate their fiery world for one majestic and magnificent holiday, which never had, and never will have an end, for centuries and centuries! How happy are the inhabitants of the Sun! But what was the matter? After all, people who live on earth can also live in the Sun, like me, a traveler... No, they don’t want to stock up on this life, not knowing its blissful benefits and not having time to think carefully about it! And rightly I am very sorry for these most respectable amphibious inhabitants who care so little about sunny life! Poor mankind! You still .... Shh! Hush! What is this? My god! What a sight! .... Where am I? What am I? Yes, Yes! In the Sun.... But what I saw, what I heard!... Oh, why, at this time, don't I have my earthly ears and eyes? However, this is nothing: I can retell everything without them! Listen, but only with attention! ..
I don’t know, I can’t remember whether I’ve gone, or whether I’ve rode, or whether I’ve flown, but only I saw the following: ... Yes! You thought that this time I will actually tell you what I saw and heard? Wouldn't it be interesting for the curious themselves to travel there! The path is very smooth, and therefore, hence, very slippery! ... But since I promised you, my esteemed readers, to say something about what I have seen and heard, I, even after a joke, will keep my word, for the solar inhabitants strictly forbid deceiving anyone, no matter what and no matter who.... Listen!
I flew around the solar world, on an airy, light, incorporeal chariot, so rich, so elegant, so magnificent that ... she, she, it was not in my power to describe her!... And so I flew, flew, flew, and suddenly I saw that in the airy, fiery clouds, several million exquisite geniuses were rushing past me, which are so beautiful, so gorgeous, so graceful, that I was completely melted away in astonishment. They sang some kind of melody, so charming that if only one of them had flown to the Earth and sang it, even in a quiet voice, then all the people of earth would abandon and forget, with admiration, all their material and non-material earthly troubles, and would have flown after them to their solar world! ... I wanted to fly after these geniuses, but one of them, flying up to me, said; “Remember, that you are still mortal, and therefore you have no right to partake in our pleasures! But if you swear to leave your land forever, maybe you can be selected for our choir?" I was silent, and just like that, they all disappeared! .. I was very sorry that I could not take the vows, but remembering my duty as a traveler, I flew to where my winged chariot carried me.
After a few moments I flew up to the sea of fire, which stood undulating and had such a brilliant surface, that it exceeded all the diamonds I've seen on earth, millions of times over. I looked into this sea, and, to my great surprise, saw the following in it: the Moon, the stars, and all visible and invisible, the known and unknown comets and planets, seen and presumed by our terrestrial Astronomers. The moon seemed to me a great, enormous, beautiful sphere, whose radiance reflected in the sea of fire as majestically as the sun's rays on the globe. In the sea, it was apparently very shallow, and therefore I could conveniently examine everything in it. The black spots on the moon seen by earthly astronomers, and are revered from the mountains and forests, are nothing other than its magnificent and beautiful cities, inhabited by people who were probably brought here by the global flood, or who came by the greatest pillar of Babylon. All of them resembled each other and were of the most beautiful appearance, but to my surprise, like all the solar inhabitants, they did not have an external form, no material composition, or what we on earth call a body. Their activities and way of life are unknown to me, for I was not in their party, but saw only them from the side; but evidently, as a mortal's imagination may suggest, they also seem to be idling, like their neighbors, the sun's inhabitants. The stars, visible from the earth, are nothing but the bright islands on this shining sea. They also have inhabitants, but they are in all respects similar to those of the Moon, and therefore I'll leave their detailed description here. The comets and planets, visible and invisible, known and imagined by terrestrial Astronomers, I regard as the shining fish of this sea of fire, which has an immaterial composition and a wonderful, amazing outer form. Some of them, having wings and tails, we call comets; while others with only wings are planets. The former, apparently, should be more than the latter; but only the latter are instead much greater than the former. I began to examine the comets, of which many I saw even from the earth; among them is that terrible and great comet for the earth, which in 1812 was seen with its magnificent, charming tail, from which they expected, in the present year, and which will wait and wait until 1836 for the destruction of the earth, that is, doomsday. [Footnote: See "The Talk of Moscow Citizens about the Comet of 1832", published by D. I. Sigov, 1832.] I will not say a word about the other comets I have noticed here, because they sometimes also travel over the terrestrial Sphere, but never making any impression on the earthly inhabitants, and are even often seen by the all-seeing sharp-eyed eyes of our learned and clever Astronomers. Now I turn to the planets. But in order to get to know them better, this very second I’m going to visit them, that is, I’m flying through the sea of fire ...
"Hello, dear Mercury! Are you all in good health, after yesterday’s journey through our terrestrial Sphere? ... And it’s very unfortunate that you didn’t come to visit me: I would treat you with all the blessings of the earth!" These were my first words, said in earshot to all the living beings on the planet Mercury. I flew up to one Genius, an animated, incorporeal creature, a resident of the ever beautiful and always terrible land of Mercury, and I began the following conversation with him:
Me. Have I bothered you with my visit?
Genius. I beg your pardon! We are very glad to see you! ...
Me. And so let me ask you about something!
Genius. Please do! I will answer all with pleasure!
Me. I would like to know: what is it that you do?
Genius. Nothing!
Me. What do you feed upon?
Genius. Nothing!
Me. Goodness! But how do you survive? ... I ask you to explain this to me?
Genius. We are the goal of perfection - everything and nothing! This is a secret that is not clear to mortals until that happy moment in which he moves to us for eternal life ....
Me. How! Will not I, too, someday enjoy your blissful life?
Genius. You will be! But only when you completely leave your earthly dwelling, with certain conditions !
Me. What are these conditions?
Genius. The conditions are the easiest and are known to every mortal living on earth! ...
Me. I don't understand you!
Genius. Understand when you return to earth and remember my conversation with you! ...
Me. But at least explain to me: how were you born, and who are your parents?
Genius. You should not know my birth now, for you will know it when you move to our eternal dwelling. My parents, or parent, are our mutual Almighty Creator.
Me. Tell me, at least, who commands you?
Genius. We are commanded by the One who created everything. However, we are all equal. This equality is the greatest blessing for all living, but only you, earthly inhabitants, do not know how to use it ....
Me. Oh! I envy your happiest life! ...
Genius. Do not envy! Envy gives birth to the sin that makes mortals living on earth lose our blissful life! ...
Me. But tell me: can I soon be a resident in your world?
Genius. This I do not know: it depends on the One who commands all!
Me. Ah, what a pity that you don’t know this! ... But tell me at least something, for what reason did you travel around the sphere of our earthly planet yesterday?
Genius. We took a stroll! ... But even this was done at the will of the One who rules everything.
Me. Do you often take such strolls?
Genius. As often and rarely, that is, as the Lord commands.
Me. Ah, what a great fear you have caused the earth's inhabitants with your walk yesterday! ...
Genius. Can you be only one of the stupid earthlings who were scared of our stroll?!... However, а mind, which is not subject to reason can also produce stupid thoughts.
Me. Let me ask you another question: the other planets, visible to me here, do they have inhabitants like you, and can they also stroll around our earthly sphere, like your stroll yesterday?
Genius. All the planets you see here are inhabited by creatures like me, and everyone can, and even must, stroll around your earthly sphere, only your Astronomers cannot notice them all: for all their astronomical wisdom, they don't know anything!...
Me. Therefore, they cannot even foresee, with the help of their Astronomy, when your planet Mercury will collide with our planet - the earth, and hence cause total destruction, that is, doomsday?
Genius. My God! ... You surprise me with such a question! ... However, I ask you to assure your Astronomers and all the prophets that they are very ridiculous and pathetic when they want to foresee the unknowable! ... It all depends on the One who created everything and commands everything.
Me. I believe your words .... But the future fate with the earth brings involuntary fear and awe on all its inhabitants! ...
Genius. Remember the words: “Believe it, but do not tempt it!"
With these last words, the Genius, who was just talking to me, disappeared, and I already saw myself flying to the ground. Again, such a magnificent sight appeared! .... Before me, and under me, all the offices of the European, Asian, African, American and East Indian scientists, as well as Nobles, Princes, Counts and other brethren, were opened up to me. I also looked at their living rooms, halls, kitchens and wine cellars, and so on, and so on, and so on ... And I wanted to describe the different wonders that I saw in their offices, but I leave this for the absurd Magazines and Newspapers on earth to describe.
Suddenly, I looked into a living room and saw the following: Three persons of the female persuasion were sitting on an extravagant couch: one, a Princess, another, a Countess, and the third, a Boyarina, or an otherwise High Lady. In armchairs sat: one, a Prince, another, a Count, and the third, a Boyarin, or a gentleman with the famous title - Your Excellency. They all in turn said the following:
Princess. Well, what, Prince, can you say about yesterday's terrible planet - Mercury?
Prince. Nothing, Your Grace! ... Mercury has come Mercurially! ...
Countess. Ah, Prince, how indifferently you judge this terrible Mercury ! ... After all, it will soon again rumble to the ground, and then what was expected yesterday will come true ....
Count. Yes, yes, they're already writing about this in the St. Petersburg papers! ... It’s printed here that we will still see the famous comet Enke, which will appear on our planet on: May 3, June 24, September 27 and October 8 of this year.
Boyarina. Yes, yes, Your Grace! ... This is the real truth! ... Moreover, look at what is printed in the "Rainbow" about these comets - yes, only just jokes! [Footnote: See: "Rainbow", Magazine, published in Revel, No. 3, 1832, pages. 137-154]
Boyarin. They claim that all of our Astronomy, the oldest and most recent, is utter nonsense !.
I could no longer hear the end of the conversation: calmly and happily I went down to my dear study .... Consequently, my journey to the Sun, and the comet and planet, and the completely visible and invisible worlds has hereby ended .... And so:
On the light wings of imagination,
I traveled to the world of all-oblivion!...
--
Now it remains to warn the most respectable and most gracious readers, the most charming and dear readers, that this little essay is the easy and ingenious work of a famous Russian writer who, out of modesty, wants to hide his last name in the letter: S. He also dares to warn that this composition will be sold very expensively, because it, in his opinion, has a lot of very different, new thoughts, and therefore it is because of this, that it is foreseen that:
The kind Russian people
Will supply an income!
END
THE TALK OF MOSCOW CITIZENS ABOUT THE COMET OF 1832 (1832)
by Dmitry SigovSCENE I.
THE OFFICE OF COUNT VSEZNAEVA [Translators note: Count is literally "Knyaz", a historical Slavic nobility title. See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Knyaz for further information. Vseznaeva is a play on "all-knowing" (vse znaeva) or "know-it-all"]
THE COUNT IS SITTING IN A CHAIR AND SMOKING TOBACCO; AT SOME DISTANCE FROM THE DESK A PERSON IN THEIR ELDER YEARS, WEARING GLASSES, IS SITTING AND LOOKING AT THE PAPER AND BOOKS LYING ON THE DESK.
Count. Well, Oslinsky, what do you think about the current comet? [Translator note: "Oslinsky" is a form of the word "donkey/jackass" (osiel) as a surname]
Oslinsky (silent, looking at the land map, as if not hearing the Count).
Count. Eh, eh friend! Yes, you are very busy looking at the land map! ... Look, don't get carried away with ideas to travel around it, like Veltman! [Translator note: Presumably Aleksandr Veltman, a prominent contemporary fantastika author]
Oslinsky (startled). What kind of journey are you talking about, Your Grace?
Count (laughing). About yours - on the geographical map! ...
Oslinsky (again beginning to look at the land map). You joke, Count! ...
Count. Listen, Oslinsky! I ask you, what do you think about the current comet?
Oslinsky. About the comet? I think, Your Grace, looking at this land map that it is now a guest in the Chinese Empire!
Count. Ha, ha, ha! Indeed?
Oslinsky. Certainly! .. Have you, Count, really forgotten what you wrote about last year, that some city in China had allegedly collapsed?
Count. I remember! What can you deduce from this?
Oslinsky. So, this city, in my opinion, collapsed not because of any other factors, but simply because the comet, which is now visiting us, hit it with its tail, and it was sent on a journey to the underworld!
Count (laughs). Are you out of your mind, Oslinsky? ... Ha, ha, ha! .. Ha, ha, ha! ..
Oslinsky. Why are you laughing, Your Grace? I could provide you with the evidence for this even, if I found where this city was on this map, which degree it stands under, I could then determine its height above the sea.
Count. Nonsense, sir, you're spinning nonsense! Well, can it be believed that the comet has any influence on our earth?
Oslinsky (getting up from his seat). What! Do you believe, Count, that the comet has no influence on our earth?
Count. Yes, I don't believe it, and am even laughing at you, are you so superstitious?
Oslinsky. At my superstitions? - (Sitting in an armchair, aside.) The devil take it, Your Grace. (To the Count.) But if I prove to you, Count, my theory, then what will you say?
Count (getting up, and walking around the room). But I know beforehand that your proof will be utterly hilarious nonsense! ...
Oslinsky (looking at the Count). But who do you take me for, Your Grace?
Count. Of course, for my friend, whose superstition I laugh at from my pure heart?
Oslinsky. Count! Remember that I was once a scientist? ..
Count. I know, I know, my friend? .. But it’s very strange for me to see you so superstitious that ... ha, ha, ha! ... you think ... ha, ha, ha! ...
Oslinsky. Yes! I think, I foresee, I already know, that a comet ......
Count (interrupts). Silence, do me a favor, and don’t embarrass yourself any further! .. It’s quite obvious already that, having learned a a lot, a very great deal, you know nothing, being so superstitious ....
Oslinsky (jumping up and shouting). Count, know this, I can prove to you astronomically, geographically, statistically, physically and politically, what this comet means, and for all this, you call me superstitious! ...
Zvezdochetov (entering). [Translators note: Surname form of "stargazer/astrologer" (zvezdochet)] What is all this racket in here, Your Grace?
Count. Bah! My friend: actually, that reminds me! ... Are you in good health?
Zvezdochetov. (sitting on the sofa). Thank God! But, it seems that you are arguing about something?
Count. Yes, yes, and we hope that you will reconcile us!
Zvezdochetov. What's the matter? Is it about the comet?
Count. You guessed it!
Oslinsky. Listen! His Grace does not want to believe that the comet, which has already destroyed several cities in the Chinese Empire, has now come to Russia and could touch her land with its tail!
Zvezdochetov. But what comet are you talking about: the current one, or the future one of 1835?
Oslinsky. Of course, about the current one, which will have a tail - of a thousand miles!
Count (laughing).
Zvezdochetov. Ha, ha, ha! .. But who told you that the current comet will come with a tail?
Oslinsky. What, who said? Yes, I read it myself with my own eyes - it was printed in The European, in the Moscow News and in The Rumor! [Translators note: The European was a journal of science and literature founded in 1832, and ran for two issues before it was banned by censors. Moscow News was a newspaper which was founded in 1756 by Moscow University, and ran until it was closed by the Bolsheviks on November 9th, 1917, two days after the October Revolution. The Rumor was a literature newspaper that from 1831-36 ran as a supplement to Telescope, another literature journal.]
Zvezdochetov. I'm sorry that you're barely literate in Russian!
Oslinsky. What? Why?
Zvezdochetov (laughing). Because in these very publications, it was also printed that the comet appearing this year will be without a tail, no traces ...
Oslinsky. What! Without a tail? You're lying, sir, you're lying! ... (Aside). They are both utter fools! (Leaving the office, singing):
[Translator note: ABABCCDDEE rhyme scheme in Russian]
You unintentionally speak with fools!
One of them will probably say:
After all, I believe in Astronomy
(And what is wise - because it will prove)
What is a comet exactly without a tail!
And to recognize that everyone is simple! -
I'll go and divulge
And even in the Bee I will write: [Translators note: The Northern Bee was a St. Petersburg political and literary newspaper published between 1825 and 1864]
That it is terrible
And dangerous for the earth!
(He leaves. The count is already strongly laughing at the entire continuation of his conversation.)
SCENE II.
COUNTESS RAZSUDIKHINOI'S LIVING ROOM [Translator note: Razsudikhinoi play on "Rational"]
THE COUNTESS, AN ELDERLY WOMAN OF SEVENTY, IS SITTING ON THE SOFA; A DESK WITH BOOKS AND NEWSPAPERS IS IN FRONT OF HER. BY THE WINDOW, ON A CHAIR, IS SITTING A YOUNG NOBLEWOMAN, THE GRANDDAUGHTER OF THE COUNTESS, WHO IS READING THE RUMOR. BY ANOTHER WINDOW, ELDERLY PEOPLE ARE SITTING IN ARMCHAIRS AND DOZING. [Translators Note: See note from previous scene regarding newspapers/periodicals. The rank of countess is literally "knyaginya" (the female equivalent of "Knyaz" from the previous scene) and her granddaughter is "knyazhna", both titles, which is how their characters are printed in the text. As children of English nobility often do not bear titles distinct from their parents, this doesn't necessarily translate 1:1 in English, so for the sake of readability and cutting down confusion, we'll refer to her as the Countess' Granddaughter to avoid giving them conflicting ranks (Duchess/Countess/Princess/etc)]
Countess, (taking snuff). Oh, ho, ho! ... The end times! ...
Dremotin (hearing the words of the Countess, but not understanding their meaning). Yes, Your Grace! ... [Translator note: "Dremotin" is a surname form of the Russian word "nap/slumber" (dremota)]
Countess (to her granddaughter). And when is the comet coming to Russia?
Countess' Granddaughter (with surprise). To Russia?
Countess. Yes, yes, to Russia! After all, it has been in China for a while!
Dremotin (not understanding the meaning of the words). Yes, yes, in China, Your Grace! ...
Countess' Granddaughter. This moron is still trying to figure it out! (To the Countess). Have mercy! What are you saying, Your Grace?
Countess (taking snuff). I say, that this comet, which is swinging its tail, and is now destroying the Chinese Empire, will it come to us soon?
Countess' Granddaughter. Will it come to us? Yes, in general, it's already breathing over the entire earth!-
Dremotin (not understanding the meaning of the words.) Yes, yes, in general, Your Grace!...
Countess. How is it all over the earth? But why didn’t we yet see its tail?
Countess' Granddaughter. Yes, and you will not, Your Grace!
Countess. I won't! There will be no tail? Nonsense, ma'am!.. Who did you hear this from?
Countess' Granddaughter. I read about this, Your Grace, in this issue of The Rumor!
Countess. What! And The Rumor has already published about it?
Countess' Granddaughter. Yes, Your Grace!
Dremotin. Yes, yes, Your Grace!
Countess. Read it to me!
Countess' Granddaughter (approaching the Countess). Listen, Your Grace! The current comet, called Enke, "making its way in almost three and a half years, which in the coming month of May, will pass through the point closest in distance to the sun, or through the perihelion. If this celestial body was visible from its greatest distance from the sun, then, having lost the title of 'comet', it would have entered the number of planets in our solar system. And so, only the astronomers should be concerned with the expected comet this year, and all other earthlings can be completely unconcerned with it, even moreso because it cannot be seen with the naked eye." - And so, now, believe, Your Grace, that we will not only not see the tail of this comet, which it does not even have, but we will not even see the comet itself.
Countess (snatching The Rumor from her granddaughter). Nonsense, madam, this is all nonsense! .. And who wrote this nonsense?
Countess' Granddaughter. Yes, it was written by our famous astronomer ....
Dremotin (not understanding the words). Yes, yes, the astronomer, Your Grace ...
Countess (to Dremotin). Yes, and you, Stepan Stepanovich, you're also claiming this?
Dremotin (shuddering and getting up from his seat). Yes, yes Your Grace!... (approaching the Countess). But what, Mother, were we talking about again?
Countess. Did you really not hear, that my granddaughter deigns to assert to me this nonsense printed in The Rumor?
Dremotin. In The Rumor? — Oh, Your Grace, is it possible to believe anything in that empty Rumor? it bears nonsense, utter nonsense! But what do you wish to dispute, Your Grace?
Countess. Yes, about that, my friend, that my granddaughter ventures to prove to me, that if, a comet came to us from China without a tail, we wouldn't be able to see it!
Dremotin. What? We won't see the comet? Won't we see Mercury?
Countess. Yes, yes!...
Dremotin (to the Countess' Granddaughter). Nonsense, nonsense, Your Grace, it is printed! ... We will see it at noon on the twenty-third of April!
Oslinsky (entering). What, what is the twenty-third of April? (bowing to the Countess and Countess' Granddaughter). I have the pleasure of seeing you, Radiant Countess, healthy and cheerful! (approaches the Countess and kisses her hand).
Countess. By the way!... We ask you to resolve our dispute....
Oslinsky (interrupting). Not about the comet, Your Grace?
Countess. Yes, yes, about the comet!
Oslinsky. Indeed!... And I deliberately stopped by Your Grace, to tell you what I heard about this comet, that it was already coming towards us, towards Russia from China, and beautifully maneuvering with its huge, grand, shining tail, which is so big, so big that it will be visible throughout all of Europe!
Countess' Granddaughter (aside). And hence, I already have nothing more to say here and no further need for anything else!
(exiting the living room and singing):
[Translators note: Rhyme scheme ABABCDCD]
We are now in the habit
To call utter nonsense truth,
And he, who is in great reverence
Is the master to disclose it!
And I marvel, marvel very much,
Like my grandmother the Countess
Judging everything so harshly until now,
Nonsense listens and - the mouth opens!
SCENE III.
BUSINESS DISTRICT.
A FEW MERCHANTS ARE STANDING ABOUT ONE GRAY MAN, WHO IS SITTING ON A BENCH AT HIS STORE.
Traktutin, (a merchant of about sixty). [Translators Note: the surname form of "to interpret" (traktovat))] Yes, merciful sovereigns, no matter how much you talk or judge, do not argue, and what will be, my friends, which can't be avoided! God's will! ...
Bulbulkin (a merchant, forty years of age). [Translators note: Surname form of "bubbling", as in emitting a liquidy sound, from "bulkat"] Absolute truth, my father! what cannot be avoided! ... But God also ordered to dare - to have a judgment about everything! So you see here, I’ll tell you, that, in my opinion, this comet we are talking about, is none other than the last heavenly punishment on our sinful earth!
Trusovatov, (merchant of about sixty). [Translators note: Surname form of "cowardly" (truslivo)] Yes, yes, most respectable, and I also think the same! Yes, it seems that Stilling wrote about this a long time ago?
Suyeverov, (merchant, fifty years old). [Translators note: Surname form of "superstition" (suyeveriye)] Exactly! I have this, and there's the book. But apparently Stilling was mistaken in his calculations: he wrote that it was supposed to be in 1836!
Neznaev, (a shopkeeper). [Translators note: "ne znaev", or "not knowing"] Yes, because his calculations were according to the new arithmetic - in other words, use Stilling's calculations with the Julian calendar, so to our reckoning it will be alright! ... [Translators note: Russia did not adopt the Gregorian calendar until after the Revolution, in 1918]
Traktutin. No, my friends, do not believe these fools - your Stilling: they all write and print only nonsense! .. The will of God is in everything! ...
Bulbulkin. Have mercy, Vlas Samsonovich! We must always believe everything printed, for it is nothing but the fruit of wisdom!
Traktutin. Goodness, this wisdom! Look at what is printed these days in the Moscow News!
Bulbulkin. What is it? Does the news of a comet seem surprising to you?
Suyeverov. Already nothing to say! Such a surprise that your ears wilt!
Traktutin. And they dared to convince us that we won’t even see a comet! ..
Trusovatov. Yes, it is true, on the one hand: when it rolls up, you will leisurely look at it! ...
Bulbulkin. Ah you, my friends! you seem like smart people, but say such nonsense! ...
Traktutin. How is it nonsense! and how can you believe the Moscow News already?
Bulbulkin. Yes, naturally! after all, according to you, this nonsense was written by one intelligent and scholarly Astronomer, from which no celestial starlet will hide!
Neznaev. One can see he's really smart if he knows all the stars!
Trusovatov. Ah, it is a pity that you did not ask your Astronomer if he himself had flown into the sky on the carpet of a flying machine, in order to count all the stars and comets there?
Bulbulkin. Jokes aside, gentlemen! But I can assure you that the comet coming this year is not at all dangerous for the earth, in addition, it will make a lot of work for one Astronomer!
Suyeverov. I beg your pardon! How is it not dangerous for the earth? Yes, my clerk writes to me from Kyakhta that this comet is already waving its huge tail in China, so much that even several cities have collapsed!
Traktutin. How! Indeed? - But my jackass doesn’t write anything to me?
Trusovatov. He, perhaps, did not dare to frighten you with it .....!
Traktutin. Ah, he’s a deadbeat! ...
Bulbulkin. But do not get excited, Vlas Samsonovich! After all, this is all nonsense, and your clerk is probably smarter than the clerk Elistrat Eftigneevich!
Traktutin. How is it nonsense? What else do you need explained, father! (to Suyeverov). But doesn’t my father write that this tail is not visible from Kyakhta??
Suyeverov. No, not a word about it yet.!
Trusovatov, (to Bulbulkin). But aren’t you ashamed to say that this is nonsense! Dammit!...
Bulbulkin (angrily). Yes, you might not know this, old rat! How can you judge a comet, when you know so little of what is right under your very nose, even! ...
Traktutin. Hush, hush, gentlemen, we’ve been scolded! After all, it seems there is nothing amiss?
Bulbulkin. As if it's nothing, Vlas Samsonovich, when this insignificant creature dared to defame me like that! ...
Traktutin. But I ask you to be quiet, gentlemen! Here comes, rightly, to me, my friend Oslinsky, who, being a very learned person from the seminaries, can reconcile our views on the comet!
Oslinsky (approaching, bows to Traktutin and shakes his hand). Are you in good health, Vlas Samsonovich?
Traktutin. A little bit, a little bit, my dear?...
Oslinsky. Well, what's new with you?
Traktutin. Such news we have, my esteemed one! I think you'll have a great deal of news: you are scientific people, smart and always living in a greater light!
Oslinsky (smiling). Yes, yes, that's true!...
Traktutin. Well, our father, have you heard anything about the comet?
Oslinsky. About the comet? Yes, and you're already talking about it?
Traktutin. How then, how then, my dear, can one not talk that way about this kind of incredible and unprecedented miracle!
Oslinsky. But what, for example, are you saying about it?
Traktutin. Yes, we have different opinions, my father! Some say that it will be with a tail, some say it is without a tail, and there are freethinkers like that (glancing at Bulbulkin), who say that we won’t see it at all! ..
Oslinsky. What! We won’t see the comets? Nonsense, sir, nonsense, sir! And who dares to assert this, is the stupidest of people!
Traktutin. So in your opinion it will come, and we will see it? You people are scientists, you know everything.!..
Oslinsky (adjusting his glasses). Yes, yes, how can we not know such trifles! .. And I can assure you that the comet will certainly arrive, and - very soon?
Traktutin. And with the tail, our father?
Oslinsky. Of course with a tail! If it were without a tail, it would not be called a comet, but simply would be called a planet! .. Moreover, note that its tail, as they say in Chinese newspapers, extends several thousand miles, and when it enters Russia, then it will be visible throughout Europe and Africa!...
Bulbulkin (aside). Oh! For what reason do I have ears to hear this nonsense of a learned donkey! (exits towards his shop, and sings:)
[Translator note: Rhyme scheme is ABBACDDC]
Ay, ay, the most learned people!
Wearing glasses on their nose
Judging all without fear,
Without thinking that everyone is lying! ...
And our brethren are merchants,
Not understanding nonsense words
These stupid donkeys have
The essence of real fools! (bis.)
[Translator note: "(bis.)" appears in the text in Latin script]
SCENE IV.
A ROOM IN THE HOUSE OF THE MERCHANT SUYEVEROV.
SUYEVEROV'S TWENTY YEAR OLD SON IS SITTING AT A TABLE AND READING A BOOK. AT ANOTHER TABLE, HIS FIFTY-YEAR-OLD MOTHER IS SITTING, AND ON THE SOFA IS SITTING HIS EIGHTY-YEAR-OLD GRANDMOTHER.
Grandmother. Well, what did you find, Nikolinka, is this the prediction of Mr. Stilling?
Nikolinka. Find, granny! He writes that it should be in the eighteen hundred and thirty-sixth year!
Mother. He might have made a mistake with the calendar!
Grandmother (shaking her head). Oh! We are sinners, sinners!....
Nikolinka (stops reading the book). Why are you, my friend, so worried - after all, the comet is not very dangerous for the earth!
Grandmother. How is it not dangerous? How is it not dangerous?.... But what can I say to you: you people are young and you know very little still!
Nikolinka. Ack, grandmother! You offend me by saying that we young people have little knowledge! (rising) Have you already forgotten that I have studied, and, having passed my exams, I can say without shame that I (turning to the mirror and looking at himself) already mean something in society! ...
Grandmother (sighs). Oh, you young people, young people! ... we sinners have sinned!
Mother. Mom! Don't worry about it! You're upsetting your health!
Nikolinka (approaching his grandmother). But did you hear, grandmother, what was written about the comet in the Moscow News?
Grandmother. No, I have not heard! And what does it say?
Nikolinka. Because, what they believe, is that we will not see these comets.
Mother. How will we not see them? Yes, it is already visible in China and Kyakhta!
Grandmother. Yes, yes, and Elistrat Eftigneevich said that he had received word about this from Kyakhta!
Nikolinka. Do not believe this nonsense letter! Remember that our clerk, who lives in Kyakhta, is very stupid and, besides all that, a drunkard, and is it surprising that he wrote this nonsense about the comet, from the words of some tavern servant?
Mother. What! and you don’t believe that the comet is visible in China? - Yes, all of Moscow is already sure of this, and some even argue that the comet still has a tail, from which several cities in the Chinese Empire have already collapsed!
Nikolinka. Ha, ha, ha! ... The comet has a tail! ... Ha, ha, ha! ... Ha, ha, ha!...
Suyeverov (entering). What's this noise?
Nikolinka. Tell me, daddy, is it possible to resist laughing while listening to my mother and grandmother, who want to convince me that, according to them, a comet with a tail is coming to us from China ...
Suyeverov. Yes, yes, with a tail! .. Why are you laughing?
Nikolinka. And you believe this?
Suyeverov. Of course! But how can you not believe it when such a respectable and learned person affirms and proves it!...
Nikolinka. And who would, for example?
Suyeverov. Yes, after all, you know Oslinsky?
Nikolinka. I know, sir! (aside). How does one not know this fool!...
Suyeverov. He assured us today, and in the clearest way proved to us that the comet coming from China is the most terrible thing for our land, and its tail is so great that it can't be measured! Furthermore, he says that because of this comet people will become beasts, and beasts will become fish, and fish will become birds, and birds - will be God knows what!...
Nikolinka (aside). I have no patience to listen further! (running out of the room and singing):
[Translator note: Rhyme scheme ABABCDDEEC]
When Oslinsky publicizes
About nonsense, what truth
That all of Moscow will learn
About this great news!
It always has an entrance:
And into the drawing room of the Countess,
And to the restroom of the Earl,
And in the shop to the Merchant,
And in the cabinet of the Sage,
And - to the Nobleman sometimes!
SCENE V.
BOOKSHOP.
THE BOOKSELLER, HIS CLERK AND A CUSTOMER.
Customer (entering). And what, Father, don't you have any booklets about the current comet?
Bookseller. No, no!
Customer. Ah, what a shame! And one would be quite in demand!
Clerk. Yes, sir, about which sort of comets do you need? Is it not found in Astronomy?
Customer. And what is astronomy?
Clerk. Astronomy is the book, sir, which describes the science of recognizing all comets, planets, stars, and so forth.
Customer. I think, might it contain a little written about the current comet, which is in China, waving its tail and already coming to us, in Russia?
Clerk (presenting a book). Well, it should!...
Customer (looking at the book). Good! What about the price?
Clerk. Ten rubles, sir, firm!
Customer. But do you not have the book ... ah, the name, I forgot it! ..: the work of Stilling, who wrote what will happen in 1836, and his interpretation of the Apocalypse!
Bookseller. Yes, yes, sir!
Clerk (presenting a book). If you please, sir! Is this it, sir?
Customer. This, this is the one! ... And the price?
Bookseller. It is now priced at fifty rubles!
Customer. Ah, how expensive! .. I think maybe we could do a bit lower?
Bookseller. The book is very rare, and besides my shop you will not find anyone who has it!
Customer. But tell me! if you don’t have a book about this specific comet, which is now everywhere, they say, how are they spreading rumors about it? [Translators note: "Spreading rumors" is literally "blowing the trumpet". I thought "sounding the horn" was an equivalent idiom in English but I can't find anyone actually using this phrase that way so maybe I just made it up. Feel free to substitute as you see fit.]
Bookseller. Maybe it there will be one, and then we will announce it in the newspapers!
Customer. And so, what is the final price for both those books?
Bookseller. So we don't haggle: sixty rubles!
Customer. Ah, very expensive! .... Is it possible to take forty rubles?
Bookseller (wrapping the books up). From you only, my friend, I'll take fifty rubles!...
Customer (taking out the money). Nothing else to do - I have to pay it! The books, it seems, are good!...
Bookseller. Excellent books, sir, excellent!
Clerk. After all, the most curious and rare, sir!
Customer (giving the money and taking the books). However, I hope that you will have a book specifically about the current comet!.
Bookseller. Maybe, sir, maybe! ... Then we'll humbly ask you to visit us for it!...
Customer. Good! Good! ... And so goodbye! (exits).
Bookseller. Goodbye!.... (to himself). Really, I should go to Myslinsky [Translators note: Surname form of "thought" (mysl)] and commission him to write something about this comet! The book will be my "in"! People have nearly driven themselves crazy thinking about this comet.!..
[Translator note: Rhyme scheme AABB]
Now I can seem to say
And this, even now, is easy to prove,
That people are dangerous with the mind,
And without the mind - terrible!
MR. CRITICISM.
[Translator note: Rhyme scheme AABBCCDDEEFF]
There are authors with us,
Who write on commission.
They are not angry at Critics
And they are not afraid of reviews!
And of strict Journalists,
Or the stupid Egoists,
Here is their answer -
A famous verse:
"One will write nonsense,
Another can parse it;
It’s harder to learn
From someone smarter!"
END
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